48.5 - The story of rising above.

First of all this post is not for the people who dislike me or my blog or the ones who have the false assumption that they know me. Please if you are anyone from the above you can right away close the browser. And for my real readers and friends please do read it.

“48.5” It all started with this simple figure but you can’t even imagine how it changed my life. Those are the marks I got in my SA I (Terminal) Exam in Mathematics. For everyone else it was just me hitting a bad shot and getting out. But for me it was as if my whole world came crashing down to me. It was a right away stab at the self confidence I built up all my life. It was a black stamp on my personality. It was a disrespect from my side to my Academic self. I abused myself with those marks. Many of you must be thinking that I am over thinking and I was but I never knew at that time that I would get punished so hard. All I knew was the phrase “There is no use to cry over spilt milk” didn't have the slightest of existence in my vocabulary. I cried during the whole lot of day I got those marks. And I cried hard. My Maths teacher moreover all my teachers and friends were trying their level best to calm me down but was I even listening ? The only thing going on  in my mind was “48.5”. It was like a echo that kept on repeating and repeating till I slept from crying. But in my nightmares too it didn’t  leave me. I remember waking up shouting “Just leave me alone!” and then… I never knew that over thinking on it would change the person I was. I became quite.  I won’t talk like... I used to..leave that I won’t talk at all. The first people to realize something wrong with me were my friends. Because when a person who can be so irritating with her not stop talking suddenly stops even uttering a word, its not normal. They kept on trying to retrieve the old me but I knew nothing but “48.5” I even withdrew myself from things I loved the most. I would not sit on my computer and surf net. I won’t watch TV. I would go out for walk. I won’t listen to music. Photography was the word not known to me as if. And all other things I enjoyed or I was good at. Because ACADEMICS is one of those and I had failed it in. My confidence was trashed so severely that I began thinking that if I am not able to score marks I can’t now do anything else. I don’t deserve do anything else. And it was not like I was met with any severe scolding or punishment at home or at school. Rather seeing me shattered like that no one would even mention it. But I was so self obsessed with “48.5” that even if someone asked me a question I would think like “Okay, so he is trying to check if I know this or not?” And in such negativity I would end up answering wrong even the simplest of the things and in turn my non existent confidence would weaken more day by day. It was just another day in my Maths period where I needed to write “Q.9” in my notebook. I could not remember how to write “Q”. I am not exaggerating its true. I turned the pages to remember to write “Q”. I was sweating as hell cause the no.s followed the answer and I was trembling to write. I began crying and noticing the shivering my teachers go scared. I still remember how worried my teachers were when I could not write. They never expected it from me. No one can expect it from a student so bright going dull and dull and dull and then forgetting things. That day when I saw my friends, my mother, my teachers crying for me  I decided to end my life. I said to my friends I want to commit suicide and I still remember the hallucinated expressions on their face. They tried shouting on me, hitting me , beating me but I won’t I won’t just…. Reply. I was tested for all the test no one of 14 has to. Thyroid, blood pressure, cancer, glucose level, hormonal problems everything. Our family doctor had to even ask me if there is any other reason other than “48.5”. Finally, I met my counsellor. Student counsellor. She asked me various things. Actually, everything. She even asked me to cry if I feel like and letting it all out I was relieved. But not completely fine. My friends, parents, teacher didn't want the marks or grades back but they wanted my me back. The old me back. And with some treatment I was. And now its even hard to remember that whole one month again. My own  regretful self back. It is almost as hard as anything in the world. I am not ashamed but I am just regretful as I wasted such a beautiful month of my life and even wanted to destroy it forever. But I raised back. And I am back stronger. From good I got down to worst but only to rise back as best. Everything I am today is because of this incident and I would remember what I learnt from it forever. I am not writing this as to gain an sympathetic behaviour or anything but I know that out there, millions of "Aditi's" don't only think of committing suicide but do it too. And for all of them and as is the motto of my life today, "Mathematically" there is something known as Negative Infinity, and beyond that there is nothing lower. So when in the graph of your life, you feel that you are on the negative infinity just remember that you can only and only RISE ABOVE. And then worry when you are on positive infinity. For me the meaning of my name itself is INFINITY. Today, people say a lot of things about me. Shit about me. But I am like.. okay. I don't care a damn as I am happy. And I know the price I had to pay to get myself back from the harshness of life. So today I am not who I am to impress every damn one of you but for myself. You may call me selfish and with pride I am.  I have learnt that meaning of life that most of you haven't even heard about so just go to hell. I am not worrying myself with any of this bullshit. And not should anyone out there too. You are what you are for yourself not for anyone else but you. You know what you desire from life more than any one else. So stop living in a false identity and being uncomfortable in your own skin trust me I know how it is. So promise yourself today that now on you are going to live our life on your terms.

"I rose above all odds to only fly high, not to be held by any damn insecurity." 
Aditi Tiwari

Image source : www.desktopaper.com 

The quotation is anyway original and edited using Picasa 3™.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2015. DBA.