I don't know what to title this

Have you ever just laid on the bed staring aimlessly at nothing,  when the tickling of the wall clock seems like the loudest sound of all,  when with each passing breath you feel to stop your heart from beating and then end all the misery.  But I don't have courage to do that.  Or else I would have done that long back. I think how did I manage to fuck this big as the pain in my head increases with each passing second.  I am tired of shouting at myself that it was all my fault and the worst part is I can't do anything about it.  God the world had been a better place if it did not have an idiot like me.  For all I am is a goddamn mistake.  In life of many.  I really have no idea of what to do next,  where to go to escape the harsh reality, whom to share my sorrows with, whom to trust enough and not to regret it later.  God! I feel so damn depressed.  I wish I really had that one friend how could at least just listen to what I had to say.  Just listen.  But alas that is way too much to ask for.  And what's a better time to be in a depressed state than when your birthday is two days away.  Awesome! I literally am tired of the bullshit my life has become.  Between explaining myself that I am alright and pretending to be alright I lost myself.  And that's the biggest loss I have had on my life.  I miss the old me and damn I am not getting her back.  My Life back.  I am defeated and sadly I have accepted to be like that now on.