Lost and hurt.
Anger overpowers the actual purpose, arguments presented in an angry state of mind are the ones I regret the most.
- Aditi Tiwari.
These are the two words I often use to describe my life. Lost and hurt. Lost because we all need someone to share our thoughts to. Someone in person. And that one person I am looking for 16 years now. Not the thoughts that I post here. The thoughts that I speak out loud. Shout and wail about in loneliness. And those true words are lost because they aren't ever heard. I am close to many people and most to my brother but yet I can't tell anyone of them of those shouts and cries I let out in the extreme vulnerability of anger. But what is the cause of that anger? Hurt. So much of regrets and guilt that once it all gets the power of voice and I shout at myself for all the wrong decisions I took. Anger is one of those things that are better controlled or else they lead to destruction. I am not exactly a short tempered person. Its hard to really offend me. When with friends, I hardly get offended by abuses, mockery, sarcasm and shitload of taunts. But I allow no one, to speak about the decisions I have made in life. I know that I have made worst, but that is my life. My punishment. I don't like interference in my personal life without my permission. And sometimes even the permitted ones have to bear with the frustration and rudeness of my behavior when I get angry. I don't get angry uselessly. I talk in a loud pitch for most of the times but when I am angry.. the decibel changes. And it changes big. There was this thing I was over obsessed with until last year. Banging hand on the desk. My friends even tagged me as the "Punching wall" on my birthday card. They know me well I guess. Time is just a number, if you decided to discover the soul is the destination. And seriously we are soulmates. Sakshi and Sanskruti, yeah I am talking about you guys. I know we will never be Best Friends Forever. Again. Because that is a thing meant for only once. And we surely did have it once. I think I lost is somewhere in Ninth. (2014-15) But you know what, out of all the things I lost two years back, I miss you both the most. It hurts me to ignore you guys. Darn, I am sorry for missing the b'day. But I am hurt. Because sadly you people didn't even notice the absence. While all I can think about making everything like it once was we have this huge gap of 2 years of formality between us. One and a half maybe. I know I haven't done great things. I am the one responsible for this. All I wanted was you people to come and tell me that it hurt you. Always forgiving me for the mistakes is supporting me to take you for granted. I have always done that. And one fine day when I realize I lost it, I am left with nothing but guilt. I know I have spoken ton of useless things. I know I have let people in our friendship. I know I have trusted people when you warned me. I know I committed mistakes but you forgave me. I know I am a bad soul and all along you made me feel good. I am sorry. That's all.
© Aditi Tiwari 2016 Dark Blue Anecdotes™